Battle For The Earth And Other Stuff
by Red Witch
Summary: Gir steals some of Gaz's things and she must track him down through all sorts of obstacles to make him pay. Meanwhile, Zim and Dib discover the joys of reality TV.


**Gir took off with the disclaimer saying I don't own any Invader Zim characters. Just mad ideas. MADNESS! **

**The Battle For The Earth And Other Stuff**

"Okay…Now we watch and wait and spy on Zim!" Dib looked at Zim's house through the bushes across the street. "Today is the day I am really gonna do something! Something important! Something major! Today is the day I am gonna find a way to stop Zim and his evil plans for conquering the world and…doing other bad stuff."

"Mom! That crazy big headed kid is in our yard again!" A kid yelled from inside the house.

"Just stay in the house and play your video games until he goes away, honey," The Mother said. "It's not worth getting into a fight with that crazy boy and the **other **crazy green one!"

"They all think I'm crazy but I'll show them!" Dib watched the house. "One day Zim is going to make a mistake and I will take advantage of that! Oh boy will I take advantage of it! Just one little mistake! One mistake. That's all I need."

"COME BACK HERE YOU STUPID MORON!" Gaz's voice could be heard down the street.

Gir ran to the house wearing a pink bunny pajamas over his dog costume. He also had a skull necklace on and some other jewelry. "YEAHAHAHA HA HA!" He cackled.

"DIE YOU STUPID FAKE DOG!" Gaz ran after him without her necklace in her usual attire. She was waving a baseball bat.

"Like that…" Dib blinked. "Yeah that definitely counts as a mistake."

Gir ran inside. "Come back and fight you coward!" Gir yelled, ignoring the security gnomes training their laser eyes on her.

"GAZ! NO!" Dib screamed. He ran over and grabbed Gaz just in the nick of time, yanking her out of the gnomes line of fire and back into the street. The bat got hit by lasers and was burned.

"Dib you idiot! You wrecked my bat!" Gaz punched her brother hard in the shoulder.

"Thank you for saving my life Dib!" Dib mocked. "I'd be a pile of ashes if it wasn't for _you!_ Oh no, no trouble at all, Gaz. It's what any older brother would do for his _sweet loving little sister_!"

"If you're finished whining," Gaz gave him a look. "Gir stole my favorite pajamas, my new bracelet and my skull necklace!"

"Why did Gir steal your jewelry and pajamas?" Dib asked.

"Why does that stupid robot do anything? The point he's got my stuff and I want it back! So how do we get inside?" Gaz asked.

"Hard to say, Zim put up some new security gnomes and they're a lot more powerful," Dib looked through the binoculars. "Okay here's the plan. We wait until three am when Zim powers down to sleep for the night and Gir goes to watch his infomercials. We'll go in the back, climb on the roof. Slip in through the top left window using my special Swollen Eyeball patented glass cutters. We'll use some suction cups to climb onto the ceiling and wait a couple of minutes until Gir goes into the kitchen for his waffle break. Just as he lets his guard down we hit him, knock him out and get your stuff back and try to blow the base up before the secondary defenses kick in! What do you say?"

"Or we could just do **this**…" Gaz said.

Two seconds later….

BAM!

Gaz's boot kicked open the door. "ZIM! YOUR STUPID DOG STOLE MY STUFF!" She roared.

"HUH?" Zim gasped. "AAGGHH!"

"Zim give Gaz back her stuff!" Dib yelled as he walked in with Gaz.

"How did you two get past my security…?" Zim looked out the front door and saw all the gnomes were destroyed. "Yikes!"

"Let's just say you were lucky that Gir didn't steal Gaz's game slave," Dib gave him a look.

"Oh. I wondered where he got those clothes," Zim blinked at Gir who was still in the dog costume as well as wearing Gaz's bunny pajamas and jewelry on the couch.

"I'm stylin'! Just like the pretty house ladies from Broca Beach!" Gir chipped.

"You're gonna be **dead** if you don't give me back my stuff!" Gaz yelled as she charged at Gir. For once Gir used his brain and ran for his life. "COME BACK HERE!"

CRASH!

"Hey! Stop wrecking my stuff!" Zim yelled at Gaz and Gir.

"It's over Zim! Today is the day that I finally defeat you and protect the Earth from your evil doing stuff!" Dib yelled. "I am…"

"YOU ARE TRASH HONEY! DON'T YOU HONEY ME!" Voices blared out from the television. "I'LL CALL YOU HONEY IF I WANT TO! OH NO YOU CAN'T! OH YES I CAN! OH NO **YOU** CAN'T!"

Both Zim and Dib looked at the TV. "What **is** this?" Zim blinked at the television.

"It's just one of those stupid reality show marathons about bored rich housewives that cause a lot of drama," Dib said. "Where were we?"

"You were saying something about protecting the Earth," Zim reminded him.

"Oh right," Dib nodded. "Okay I got it now. I am going…"

"YOU DISRESPECITNG ME? GET OUT OF MY FACE!"

"Whoa for a high society lady she's got a good right hook," Dib saw what was going on the television.

"Quite. Now listen you disgusting Dib headed pig monkey…." Zim began.

"DON'T YOU TOUCH MY HAIR YOU BIG BOTTOMED BABOON!" The TV blared some more. "THAT IS IT! WE ARE HAVING A THROWDOWN!"

"You were saying?" Dib blinked as he watched the program.

"Uh Dib Smell could we put this on hold for a second?" Zim stared at the television. "I want to observe this program. Mostly to study how stupid and gullible humans are to watch it."

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"COME BACK HERE GIR!" Gaz ran after Gir who was still wearing her things.

SMASH!

"Whoa. Zim did not know that older human females were capable of lifting twice their own body weight," Zim blinked. "Or that they were talented at kickboxing."

"Well I guess I really can't stop you from watching TV in your own house," Dib blinked at the television. "But I can watch you watch this show so I know what information you are getting. And what information is wrong and stuff."

WHAM!

"Like most housewives can't flip a table that hard or that far," Dib blinked. "Not without a lot of practice."

"Well that's a given yes," Zim nodded.

"And certainly not in a string bikini…." Dib stared at the set. "You know maybe we can pause our battle for just a few minutes?"

"Yes, the Earth can wait," Zim said as he and Dib got on the couch. "At least until the commercial break."

Meanwhile Gaz was chasing Gir down the street. "Come back here you dumb dog brain!" She yelled.

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Gir shouted cheerfully. Then he activated the jets in his legs and flew down the street. None of the passers by noticed him flying by and simply went about their business as if nothing was going on.

"You know I hate to admit it, but Dib does have a point about people not noticing the obvious," Gaz grumbled to herself. "Okay! Now you made me sympathize with **Dib!** You are really going to pay now!" She ran off after him.

Meanwhile…

"Can you believe the lies Daniqua is telling?" Dib yelled.

"Who does that female think she is fooling?" Zim yelled. Both of them were still on the couch eating nachos and popcorn. "Certainly not Ann Marie! I mean she just walked in on her husband and Daniqua in the Nasa Mission Control Room two seconds ago! Any one with any basic training in space travel can tell you that is **not **the proper procedure to launch a missile!"

Zim then realized something. "Wait a second. Your sister wears a pair of pink bunny pajamas?"

"Yeah. I don't know why. I don't say anything. My sister lets me keep my organs inside my body," Dib said.

"Okay…" Zim turned back to the TV. "OOOH look at that bracelet Layla got from her husband!"

"WOW! I never saw a diamond that big!" Dib gasped.

"I've never seen such opulence and wealth!" Zim agreed. "Look at those drapes! That marble floor! The solid gold toilet! Even the Tallest don't live in such luxury! And believe me, they've got a pretty sweet lifestyle."

"I wonder if they'd ever do their own reality show?" Dib thought out loud. "I mean I'd certainly be interested in seeing how alien rulers live."

"Hmm, I'll pass that thought onto the Tallest," Zim thought. "Ooh! What is Suzabelle doing **now?**"

"From the looks of it, the pool boy," Dib blinked.

Let's cut back to what's going on with Gaz and Gir shall we?

"Do! Do! Do! Do!" Gir was in an arcade on a dancing machine.

"There you are!" Gaz got up and tried to grab her necklace back.

"Dance!" Gir danced around on the pad. "Dance with me Gaz!"

"You little…" Gaz had no choice to try and dance around in order to grab her necklace. People started to surround them and cheered them on.

"Go! Go weird purple haired girl!" Someone hooted.

"The dog she dressed up is funny!" Another person hooted. "Not as funny looking as the purple haired girl!"

"Grrr! I'm gonna **kill** you Gir!" Gaz shouted. Gir ran off. "Come back here with my necklace!" She ran after him. The sound of cars screeching and accidents happening could be heard.

She chased after Gir until she cornered him in the park by a wall. "Give me my necklace!" Gaz grabbed it from him. "Prepare to be in pain!"

"But I just wanted to be pretty like you Gaz," Gir sniffed. A little tear dropped from his eye.

"Don't flatter me you little…" Gaz threatened Gir with her fist. Gir cowered.

Gaz stopped. "Wait a second. You're not smart enough to flatter. Which means…"

Gaz screamed and yelled. "OHHHHH! AGGGGH! YOU STUPID DOG! NOW YOU MADE ME GO AND FEEL THINGS!"

"Why are you yelling at a **dog?**" Someone asked. Gaz turned around and saw Iggins, her hated nemesis. "Boy you really do have problems don't you?"

"Grrrr…" Gaz growled.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Iggins screamed in terror and ran away.

"All right you stupid…" Gaz turned back around and saw Gir was gone. "Now where did he go?"

She saw Gir had wandered off into a park. And that wasn't all she saw. Some kind of purple vortex opened up. A huge demon with the face of a pig with huge tusks emerged from the portal. "Behold! The coming of Malizor and the fall of Mankind! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"I saw a squirrel!" Gir pointed.

"That's not a squirrel Gir," Gaz told him.

"Fear me! Fear my tusks mortals!" Malzior howled. "Soon! I Malzior shall annihilate the human race and claim this pathetic world as my own!"

"You have got to be **kidding** me?" Gaz gritted her teeth.

"Ha ha ha! Soon this world will fall before the wrath of Mazlior! And the first thing I shall destroy is the foulness that is called pizza! That is the food of evil!" The hog demon screamed.

"Wanna bet?" Gaz readied her fists. "Pig Freak. You just made this personal. Gir, you'd better not mess up my pajamas!"

"Okay!" Gir pulled off his top to reveal his robot face. And then he pulled his weapons systems out of his head. "I'm gonna blow stuff up!"

"Let's **do** this!" Gaz snarled as she leapt into battle.

Meanwhile back at Zim's base…

"Yeah! Dance! Dance!" Dib danced around as the sounds of a techno beat pulsed through the base. "It's just like we're there at the party!"

"I am living my life vicariously through these rich women who have more stuff than I do and I am **loving** it!" Zim danced around as well. "Note to self. When I take over the Earth definitely get myself a personal dance room! With a DJ and light thingies!"

Okay. How about we go back to Gaz and Gir?

"Owie…I hurt…" The pig demon moaned in agony as he lay on the ground, severely beaten.

Gaz stood on top of him and broke off one of his tusks. "Now you get off my world and never come back! If you do I'm gonna make you **bacon**! Understand?"

"Yeah! Yeah! I get it!" Malzior whimpered. He scampered away into another purple vortex.

"Get out of here!" Gaz picked up a can and threw it at his head before he went into the vortex. She then looked at the broken tusk. "Hmmm. I bet I can make a necklace out of this?"

"Yoink!" Gir grabbed the tusk and ran down the street laughing.

"Not again…" Gaz grumbled as she chased after Gir.

Some time later back at Zim's base…

"Ha! Foolish human! Did you not suspect that your best friend would discover that you were betraying her? Zim thinks not!" Zim cackled at the antics on the television. "Prepare for destruction Earth whore!"

"Oh here comes the catfight!" Dib whooped. "Give it to her good!"

"Girlfriend that skank is getting what's coming to her!" Zim cheered.

"That's what you get when you sleep around with your best friend's husband, brother in law and the pool guy at that same time," Dib nodded.

"Testify!" Zim said. "Whoa look at that headlock!"

WHAM!

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?" Gaz yelled as she dragged Gir into the room. Gir looked at little battered. "I thought you two were supposed to be fighting each other? NOT WATCHING TV!"

"Uh well you see…" Both Dib and Zim hemmed and hawed. "We were just…Only looking for more information to take over the Earth. To be fair the catfights are really good…"

"You two are the biggest…most **incompetent**…" Gaz trembled with anger. Then she had an idea. "Wow Zim, your plan actually worked."

"Plan? What plan?" Dib gave Zim a look.

"Why to trick Dib of course," Gaz said.

"This was all a trick to get me out of the way? I knew it!" Dib pointed.

"That's why Dib came up with a good counter plan which **you **fell for Zim," Gaz said.

"I **did**?" Dib blinked.

"He did?" Zim blinked. Then he got angry. "YOU TRIED TO FOOL ZIM?"

"YOU TRIED TO FOOL ME FIRST!" Dib yelled back. "So you got what you deserve! HA!"

"Oh yeah! Well speaking of **getting** things that you deserve…" Zim pulled out a blaster. "You shall **get **what you **deserve** for you deserve to be blasted into **oblivion** and that is what you will **get!"**

"AAAAAHHH!" Dib ran for his life.

"And here we go…" Gaz got on the couch and watched the mayhem ensue. Gir followed her.

"PREPARE FOR DESTRUCTION!" Zim screamed as he chased Dib around with a laser.

This was followed shortly by screaming, yelling, the sound of breaking things and then Zim running back in the opposite direction. Dib was chasing him with a water balloon. "NOT THE WATER BALLOON OF DEATH!"

"PREPARE FOR WATERY DESTRUCTION ZIM!" Dib cackled as they ran into the other room. Then more sounds of things breaking and screaming was heard. A lot of screaming.

"GIR! WHY DID YOU PUT BACON ALL OVER THE FLOOR?" Zim screamed.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GIANT SQUID? AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Dib screamed. "WHY IS THERE A GIANT SQUID IN THE KITCHEN? AND SINCE WHEN DO SQUID LIKE BACON?"

"I like this show," Gir said innocently.

"Reality shows have **nothing** on my life," Gaz grumbled as she ate some nachos.


End file.
